Fearing the Lord

Thought | “Fearing the lord”

I may fear you, lord. But i do not fear what your love can cover. Your love is greater than my fears of pain and not being able to succeed.

Journal | “Foreshadowing the blessings of perseverance”

Today i probably experienced the most unbearable pain I’ve felt in my life doing an hour of physical therapy on my strained hamstring. I wanted to scream, i wanted to cry but i bit my tongue. My body was sweating. There were plenty of times i wanted to just call it quits. But somehow, i endured. Somehow, i made it out - walking on crutches, being able to lift my leg and hold it up there until i reached my car. The thought that carried me through this experience was "God please. Yes, lord. I can make it. Help me." The thought that carried me out of the clinic was "All that pain was meant to heal my leg. I do have the strength to lift my leg and make it out of here. I'm not just gonna leave here the same i was before - having my foot drag along." Then there was the encouragement and urging/tips from my therapist and my mother: "You're doing good!" "Flex your calf and upper hamstring. Your bottom doesn't need to do anything. Your fear is stopping you from accomplishing this; you should be able to walk out of here.” Basically, let go of your fears and you can run. Letting go of my fears has been a huge topic over the past week [as I've been laying at home being crippled] and over the course of my sophomore year. I talked to grace about the fear of God last night, and my mom has consistently been telling me "Stop worrying. Your fear hinders you from success." these are two different fears. One is reverence and dying to yourself (making yourself nothing) and another is worldly fear based on your own abilities and capacity to overcome something. In the first, you die to yourself, saying you're nothing but flesh and bone, but that god is everything: king of kings, lord of lords - who can surpass his greatness? He can change my life and flip my world upside down in 2 seconds. This God holds the whole world in the palm of his hands. I can't even walk. Yet he is my lord and he leads me. I submit to his leadership and glorious prowess because i am nothing in light of him. He deserves honor and reverence. His name stands high above nations and kingdoms. One day, every nation, tribe, and tongue will bow at his feet. He is ruler and victor of heaven and earth; even hell is subject to his way. We fear the lord because he is higher and we are nothing. In the second type of fear, you stop relying on yourself and you stop worrying about things that were never meant to make you stumble. You can no longer let "i'm not strong enough. What if it hurts, what if i can't do it, what if i'm not qualified" hinder you. But you take a step of faith in christ, who holds you by the arm and guides your every step, making them firm. With christ, you won't be shaken. In this fear, you take the burden and responsibility off yourself and rely on God; this time it's not because he is higher, but because you were never meant to do it alone.

(Proverbs 1, Psalm 34, Psalm 37:23-24, Revelations 7)

Last ponderings | I will fear you because you are sovereign and i am mere flesh and bone. You are well-deserving of reverence and i submit to your leadership because i am nothing compared to you. At the same time, i will not fear a thing because you are my lord and you hold my world in the palm of your hands. It was never up to my own competence to accomplish something, but i was supposed to give it up to you. My reliance is on you. My approach to you will change, our relationship will take a whole new turn, and my attitude towards this world and the trials within it will change.